Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
