Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
