2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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