Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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