Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
