The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
