Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
