i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
