These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Are my feet made of real feet?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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