There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
