Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
