I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
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We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
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i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize