I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
