i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
