Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
