The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
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I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
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Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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