He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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