she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
