So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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