dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
