Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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