I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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