Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
