she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
