best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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