they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
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It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
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I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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