I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
