she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just want nice things and good sex
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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