All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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