I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
