Don't make out with my wife yet
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
