you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
