I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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