just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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