***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
