I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Welp...herpes.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
