took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
