Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
