the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
