Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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