I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
