Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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