i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
