i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
