my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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