1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
