Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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