she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
