i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
