I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
True strength comes from lack of pants
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