I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
