I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize