i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
