turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
