i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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