Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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