The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
