Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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