Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
