I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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